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Bipolar Disorder

An Episode of Bipolar Depression, In The Raw

November 5, 2015 By lyndsinreallife 8 Comments

You know that quote by Laurence J. Peter, “Speak when you are angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret”? Well, this post may be along those lines, except delete angry and add depressed.

I’m going to share about my experience of the current bipolar episode I’m in, and I’m hoping that come morning, I won’t think to myself, “oh geeze, what was I thinking?” I feel as if a big part of that thinking is because of the stigma attached to mental illness. Is me sharing about this episode too taboo? Either way, that’s a conversation for a different time and I’m going ahead with this post.

Bipolar is a sneaky B-word. It’s challenging enough trying to manage bipolar disorder; throw in random mood swings, and you’ve got yourself A LOT to handle. Yesterday, I was as happy as a clam (what does that even mean?). I mean sure, it was raining and cold and it just started getting dark at 4:59pm (ugh), but I went out with my boyfriend to a fancy social get-together in the Hollywood Hills, met some friends, and enjoyed my evening.

But come this morning, it was practically a full 180 (hence why it’s called bipolar). I had trouble sleeping (even more so than I usually do), and once I woke up, I knew getting out of bed would be hard. I called off work right away (I am SO grateful to have a job where my employer is understanding; many jobs/employers aren’t). For some, I’m sure it sounds silly to have such difficulty getting out of bed. But I’m not talking about it’s too cold, I’m so comfortable, I don’t want to work difficulty; I’m talking the mere thought of pulling the covers off is exhausting, I don’t think I can make it to the shower, I’ll break down crying once I get to the kitchen difficulty. And it’s serious.

During my worst depression episode in 2013, I barricaded myself in my living room for almost 6 months. My boyfriend took the mattress off the bed and set it on the living room floor for me (that was the only room with AC). I watched shows on my laptop, and if I was lucky, I’d take a shower. It was exhausting. And horrible. And the deepest despair you could ever imagine. I cried literally every single day.

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Today, I tried to make myself do things. I made myself go outside (it was sunny today), especially before it got dark. [Side note: daylight savings time strongly affects those with bipolar disorder and mental health conditions. Circadian rhythms play a huge role in bipolar disorder. When it gets dark earlier, depression tends to set in.] I took a shower. I played with my dog, I made sure to eat frequently (blood sugar affects moods, as well; hence why people get hangry). I wanted to clean up so badly (my apartment is a disaster), but I could only muster up the energy to lay on the couch (and simply sit there, because barely anything brings comfort when depressed).

I felt/feel as if I could break down crying at any moment. I was telling my boyfriend about what I was feeling, and my body was trying to get me to cry, but I fought it. Sometimes crying helps, but I simply didn’t feel like dealing with it. It feels like I have a storm of sadness and anxiety swirling in my chest and my head. I can’t make sense of anything.

Bipolar Quote thebalancedbrunette

Luckily, I’ve learned to manage my bipolar (after much trial-and-error) since diagnosis in 2008. Because of that, I know I will get out of this by taking it easy, doing only what I need, meeting with my therapist, and probably my psychiatrist to tweak any medications if need-be. However, even knowing that, it still hurts like hell.

I guess there really isn’t much point to this post, except that I wanted to share about it in the moment that it was happening. It’s often hard to describe depression when you’re no longer in it.

I will get better, as I always do. And to everyone reading this who has bipolar and/or depression, I want you to know that you’ll get better, too. As my therapist once said (and I turned into my own quote),

“Pay attention to how you feel, and then take one step to help you feel better; whether it’s staying in bed a little longer, going for a walk, or eating a pint of ice cream.”

 

To happiness, stability, and everything in between,

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Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder Tagged With: bipolar, bipolar disorder, bipolar episode, depression, IBPF, International Bipolar Foundation, mental health condition, mental illness

Ambassador Fitness Nutrition

I Am A #SweatPink Ambassador!

May 10, 2014 By lyndsinreallife 9 Comments

A few weeks ago, I was accepted as a brand new #sweatpink ambassador with Fit Approach! It has been an amazing few weeks already!

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This is the Fit Approach mission (borrowed from the Fit Approach website):

We believe that kicking ass is best done in pretty shoes. We’ve learned that real women sweat, and sweat hard. We know that assertiveness, strength, and ambition are the ultimate feminine qualities. We concede that sometimes it takes hours to get ready, but we’re also no strangers to just rolling out of bed and going. We’re convinced that we run faster in pink shoelaces. We believe in pushing ourselves, and we believe in giving ourselves a break, too. We’re all about the rush of endorphins and the thrill of the challenge. We’re all for looking great and feeling even better. We’re committed to finding our best fit, and making it stick.

How awesome is that?! The mission is what attracted me to Fit Approach in the first place. Pink is my favorite color, so this was a no brainer! I am all about pink shoelaces. As a welcome, I was sent a #sweatpink tank and some pink shoelaces:

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Everyone in the #sweatpink community is SO welcoming! I love the feeling of being a part of a community of like-minded people, and knowing that I can go to any of them even though I don’t physically know them! I’m incredibly grateful for this opportunity. <3

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If you’re interested in becoming a #sweatpink ambassador, apply here! 🙂

Check out Fit Approach on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest!

Filed Under: Ambassador, Fitness, Nutrition Tagged With: #sweatpink, active, Ambassador, anxiety, bipolar, bipolar disorder, blog, California, Cleveland, community, depression, family, Fit Approach, fit blogger, fitness, friends, GAPS, health, healthy, mental health, mental health condition, mental illness, namaste, nutrition, paleo, pink, shoelaces, sisters, SoCal, social media, SPA, SPA sister, stigma, women, workout, yoga, yogaeverydamnday, yogi

Bipolar Disorder Personal

Being Just Crazy Enough

April 9, 2014 By lyndsinreallife 2 Comments

“Maybe, ya know, there’s no such thing as crazy. And being diagnosed with a mental illness doesn’t mean you’re crazy. But maybe it means you’re just more sensitive to what most people can’t see or feel. Maybe, no one’s really crazy, everyone is just a little bit mad. How much depends on where you fall on the spectrum. How much depends on how lucky you are.”

My wonderful boyfriend sent this video to me this morning, and kept telling me to watch it because he knew I would like it. He sends me videos ALL the time, and often times, they’re pretty boring (sorry babe!). But this one.. this one still has me smiling so big.

I’ve told people that having bipolar disorder makes me a more sensitive person, but in a good way. I am more sensitive to someone’s thoughts and feelings, and can relate to them much more than your average person. I may have a little bit of “crazy” in me, but that’s what makes me, ME. My passion, my intensity, my drive, my emotions… those all make up Lyndsay. I think without bipolar, I’d be boring. I’d much rather be intense than boring. 😉

What do you think about what Joshua Walters shared on this video?

Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Personal Tagged With: anxiety, bipolar, crazy, depression, disorder, emotional, emotions, happy, health, holistic, hypomania, intensity, Joshua Walters, mad, mania, manic, mental health condition, mental illness, mood swings, passion, psychiatry, sad, sensitive, SoCal, stigma, Ted Talks, Therapy, Video

Bipolar Disorder Personal

World Bipolar Day 2014

March 30, 2014 By lyndsinreallife 10 Comments

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Six years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I always knew there was something different about me, I just never knew what it was. I often felt depressed and anxious, and other times, very chatty and overly happy. When I was diagnosed (it was my parents who noticed the mood swings), I was more relieved than anything. After years of feeling like I was just weird, I finally had a diagnosis that made sense.

For those who don’t know, bipolar disorder is defined as “a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.” For me, I cycle about every 8 months, from feeling really depressed, then stable for a short period, then hypo-mania sets in. I have severe difficulty with holding down a 9-5 job, or even a job longer than a year for that matter. Having a routine is great, but at the same time, I strongly dislike having a schedule.

The longest and worst depression I can remember was actually last summer, after moving to California. Such a dramatic life-changing event triggered a depression that lasted from April through the end of September. I didn’t leave my apartment. I barely even left my bed. In October, I became stable. It is such a weird feeling.. thinking back to just a few weeks prior and thinking it’s so strange how I couldn’t physically do anything, yet when stable, it’s no problem. Does that make sense? Like even now, thinking that I could barely get myself out of bed to take a shower.. I was a completely different person. But that’s what bipolar is- two poles. Two people. Two worlds.

Now I am in a manic episode, and luckily I have an amazing psychiatrist in LA who is helping me to calm it. Mania is somewhat better than depression in some regards, but it’s really the same as depression, but opposite. Okay that probably doesn’t make sense, but it does to me. Depression and mania are both dangerous. They both physically hurt. I barely have control in either state. With mania, I say it’s somewhat better because at least I can function. I’m able to leave my apartment, babysit, work at the wellness center, etc. But the lack of control is rough. My biggest issue during mania is spending money. During a manic episode, I can’t have any credit/debit cards or cash on me. After over $12K in debt (from age 18-26), I have finally figured that one out.

The reason behind World Bipolar Day is to create awareness and end stigma associated with mental illness, or as I prefer to call it, mental health conditions. It’s interesting realizing that I let the stigma affect me, even if I say I don’t. I’m very open and honest about bipolar, and my experiences with it. I am not ashamed of who I am (I was for the longest time.. probably until about a year and a half ago). But even as I write this, I am asking myself, “Should I really be this open on my public blog? My blog is focused on nutrition and fitness.. will my followers think less of me for having bipolar disorder?” And that’s so silly! If someone were to judge me for having bipolar disorder, that is their issue, not mine. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

The way I look at it now, I feel that I have a gift to offer to the world. Yes, I am emotional, sensitive, often unstable, dramatic, a little off-the-wall.. but those traits are what make me, me. Because of my emotional and sensitive personality, I feel that I am able to connect with people on a much deeper level. I can truly feel their feelings when we talk. I can help people at their lowest point because I’ve been there.

Plus, having bipolar helps me to be creative. One of my all-time favorites quotes is from Alice in Wonderland:

“Have I gone mad?”

“I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”

This World Bipolar Day, March 30, 2014, I invite you to learn a little bit more about mental health conditions. Ask a friend with bipolar what they love about it. If you know someone who could be suffering from a mental health condition, find a way to get them help. If you have bipolar disorder, take some time for yourself, get a journal, and truly reflect on how amazing you are! Share your story with someone. Tell a loved one with bipolar disorder why you love them. Whatever it is, spread positivity, love, and acceptance for not only people living with bipolar disorder, but for everyone. All of us needs each of us. Much love to you all! <3

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Filed Under: Bipolar Disorder, Personal Tagged With: acceptance, awareness, bipolar disorder, bipolar I, bipolar II, bonkers, depressed, depression, fitness, global, health and fitness coach, impact, mad, mania, manic, mental health condition, mental illness, nutrition, self-harm, SoCal, stability, stigma, suicide, WBD 2014, wellness, World Bipolar Day

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